I’ve been married for close to thirty-five years. For most of that time, I’ve worked with clients on their marriages. Here is some of what I’ve learned, offered as benchmarks. There are no textbook relationships.
- Partners develop a private language of word and touch that makes them special to each other, a duo apart from all others.
- Regardless of their style of “fighting,” partners keep fights limited in time, with a beginning, middle, and end.
- Making up after a fight becomes more important than winning or even resolving an issue. Resolving an issue may take many years and many attempts.
- Partners ask directly for what they want and take either a “yes” or a “no” for an answer. Liking the yes or no isn’t required.
- Partners develop conflict-free islands, like cuddling in bed, where fights are put aside to give a break in the action. These breaks provide time for nourishment and reassurance of commitment to one another.
- Some flirtation, play, and affection occur on close to daily basis for the entire length of the relationship.
- Each partner has a source of emotional support outside of the relationship. The relationship itself has a source of emotional support outside of itself, people who support the commitment such as a religious group, extended family, or a couple therapist.
- The “feeling” of love comes and goes, but the “behavior” of love shows in the effort continues the working through process.
- Partners move toward accepting differences, boundaries, and the other’s need for space. “Joined at the hip” occurs only during sexual activity.
- Trust evolves away from a black and white issue and moves toward trust that the partner will hang in there and listen, when blaming, lecturing and leaving is easier.
- Partners spend regular time together away from kids, relatives, and friends.
- Partners call each other’s bluff. (If you’ve had this happen to you, you’ll know what I mean)