So, I’m cruisin’ along, feeling great. Actually, I was dancing in Rhode Island. When, out of the blue, my old demon shows up and announces he’s back and intends to stay awhile. Just like that, BAM! Well this guy use to live with me 24/7, so I’ve learned to manage him over time, but he still surprises me when he shows up for an unwelcome visit.
So, you might be thinking, “Who is this guy?” Well, it’s me. It’s a part of me, anyway, a part that dates back to at least age five. That’s when I remember meeting him/me the first time. It’s the part of me that feels ugly and wonders why anyone would want to be in my presence. It’s the part of me who forgets how to feel happy and enjoy life. Have you read the children’s story “The Monster at the End of this Book?” Furry Lovable Grover is so afraid of the Monster and keeps telling the reader, “DON’T TURN THE PAGE.” Of course, when you’ve turned all the pages, Grover realizes the “monster is me, Furry Lovable Grover.”
With therapy, the love of my dear Christine, success in my profession, my pursuit of various aerobic actives, and, especially, dancing, I’ve learned to manage my demon. I’ve learned to say, “Ok, you’re here but you can stay in my living space for only a short time, I’ve got ways of dealing with you.” Most of the time, I successfully keep him in a shed out back, far away from the main action in my life. Oh, and I’ve learned that I cannot banish him altogether. At my worst, back in college, before I learned how to love myself, I fantasized a lot about suicide. That’s how bad it was, living with that guy. But now I know that I have many parts and that I can nurture the healthy ones and build special areas to keep the unhealthy ones at bay. But, what a downer when this guy shows up in my living space. It’s like, “Damn, you again?” So, there he was in Rhode Island. He disappeared when I returned to Atlanta to sit down face to face with a client and to open myself to the full humanity of the person in front of me. Maybe my demon likes company.